Feeling the feels. Weeks of exhaustion and tears, feeling the pain from COVID, loss, and so many fears, I joined a women’s new moon gathering, where we were guided to draw what we were feeling. The first thing that came was a weight, a ball and chain. Heavy and dark, holding, confining. Then, a broken heart. Then, teardrops. The time continued and all I could do was scratch more darkness over all of it. So dark, so heavy. Not wanting it to be there. Not wanting to see it. Not wanting to acknowledge it. Tears streamed from my eyes as I continued to move my pen and cover it with more darkness.
Then, the leader asked us to transform the drawing into something new, just like we can transform energy in our lives. Nature changes season and there’s new growth and blossoming in the spring after the dark of winter. My thinking brain couldn’t imagine how to draw something that would make all that darkness transform into something new….something better…so I just sat and looked at it through my tears…
Then there it was. All I had to do was wrap all that darkness in more heart. Love it, every bit of the dark, the tears, and the brokenness, and hold it, comfort it, feel compassion for it, and me. Because we all have pain. We all are broken. We all feel and fear and experience darkness in life in one way or another. It’s part of being human.
Most of us have a tendency to hide or numb pain, thinking it’s something no one should see or know. Perhaps it’s a desire to be or appear perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect human. Being human is about being imperfect. And the beauty is in the imperfection.
@iamfujimura, Makoto Fujimura
Find the beauty. The Japanese have an artform called Kintsugi, where broken pottery is repaired by mending the break with gold or other precious metals, making the brokenness even more visible, and thereby, beautiful. What if we could believe in the beauty within our own broken-heartedness, and be willing to shine light on our own pain, treating it as gold, so we and others can heal?
Connect. The way we connect with other humans is in our brokenness, our fears, the hard days more than the easy ones. Real is what matters. And real is scary. Risky. We feel vulnerable. Someone might take advantage or hurt us. And yet, this is where freedom lies. This is where if we bring courage to the fear, and trust ourselves with an open heart, a brave heart, we can create an impact, awakening change® in ourselves and the world around us.
When my coach and I landed on a name for my “being rather than doing” view of change, she said “awakening” and it immediately felt right. I didn’t know then that the word awakening was significant, but it is. Every day, we, and all other natural beings, along with the earth herself, wake up. We awake to a new day with new possibilities every morning, every season, every year. Every conversation, every interaction creates a chance for us to wake up and show up differently. Each moment we wake up, we can choose how we be.
Morning awakening in Masai Mara, Kenya, December 2019
Awakening change happens every day and can occur in any moment, from any person, in any space. So much is awakening right now. Stirring. And people are stepping up, and being human and courageous….and already have been, and must continue to be, patient, to see what sparks will light a fire, and what planted seeds will grow.
Here’s the thing: Awakening takes energy.
We need to rest. To sleep. To renew.
To give our bodies and souls what they need.
And it’s ok.
It’s ok to not be ok.
It's ok to sleep 9-10 hours then still need to take a nap.
It’s ok to cry, a lot.
It’s ok to take a long hot bath or shower or ride or run.
It’s ok to speak out.
It’s ok to be angry or resentful.
It’s ok to hide, for a little while.
It’s ok to zone out.
It’s ok to put you and what you need first, some of the time.
It’s all ok.
It’s all human.
And what’s ok for you is up to you. Only you know you.
When I was so exhausted and worn down, a friend and healer told me:
“you have to take care of yourself 51%, so you can take care of others 49%...
and that 2% really matters
- Dr. Babbie Lester”
Last week I was hosting a converstion where a lot of pent up pain was being emptied out. As we concluded, I asked the group:
Where do you INTEND to share love this week:
First with yourself? (because you have to start there)
And then, into the world?
Where will you share your heart,
awakening changes you desire?
In the coming weeks, I’ll be offering virtual sessions of Awakening Change: Step 1, Being Human, previously only held in person at conferences. Dates to be announced in July.
With gratitude to teachers, coaches and friends who’ve impacted me and influenced what is shared in this post: Dr. Babbie Lester, Mountain Sage Natural Health; Kirsten Gunnerud, Rocket Trike; Jennifer Ostrich, Ostrich Coaching & Consulting.